But then I realized something.
It's not me. It's YOU.
Yes, You. You judgemental motherfuckers out there who make life for people like me a living hell.
Q: What do you mean people like you, Ryan?
R: We're called Alphas.
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We're called creative people. How do you recognize us? We live with our heads, in youtube channels, in blogs, in books, in paintings, in sports, in actions, in video games, in entertainment. We're the people you tweet about. We're the people you pretend to be on facebook. In short: WE'RE AWESOME.
And the simply truth is; the world can't handle us.
Now, if you are happy with your life, click the red x button right now. This Charlie Sheen-like rant is for you, artist. You, seeker of beauty.
I live in Malta. Land of the talentless and lifeless.
Allow me to explain: this is not because we do NOT have talent. Oh boy we DO have talent. LOTS and lots of it.
The problem is everyone else. They try to quash your talent. Because they can't take in just how awesome you are. They don't see life the way you do and that's a bad thing. For them. And they make it everybody's problem.
How do you deal with them?
"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity. But the dreamers of the day are dangerous men for they act their dream with open eyes to make it possible." - T.E. Lawrence
"So baby dry your eyes
Save all the tears you've cried
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby, we belong in a world that must be strong
Oh, that's what dreams are made of
And in the end on dreams we will depend
'Cause that's what love is made of "
- Van Halen 'Dreams'
Yepp you got it. It all starts with a dream. Now let' be fair. Some dreams, like winning a competition, are achievable. Others, like having a threesome with Kate Beckinsale and Jessica Alba, will never happen. I'm pretty sure of that.
But dreaming is no enough. Everyone dreams. It's the next step that's tough. Tattoo the nike slogan somewhere and JUST FRIGGIN' DO IT. No holds barred, full steam ahead.
And keep going. You will fall. You will fail. You will consider stopping. You will consider very morbid things indeed. But don't stop.
It's ok to slow down. It's ok to let off steam, blow off work, procrastinate.
But don't let go.
Cos what you will have in a few years time is yearning, regret and old age.
Q: But Ryan, what if it doesn't work? What if I fail?
R: How the fuck should I know?
I don't know what's best. Your parents don't know what's best. Fuck, YOU don't know what's best for you. But it's one thing to lay down and do what others do simply cos it's safe. It's another to have the BALLS to get up and go whichever direction you want.
All this is coming from a recently published author who has yet to see his first sale. But here's the motto I abide by:
when there's a will, there is a way.
When there isn't a way, you break out the jack hammer and FUCKING MAKE ONE.
I am sick and tired of people playing it safe. Fuck I spent about 2000 euros on putting out a novel, dealing with people from Texas (editing) all the way to South Africa (cover). So shut your pie hole and do it. Don't present some sad story about how you didn't have opportunity.
What you do is you find a source of inspiration, no matter how fleeting and little, and you have violent sex with that sucker like it's your job. And then you move on to the next one. And the next.
Which roundabouts all the way to school. I hate school and people, but I love learning. Learn what you can, follow your own path and everyone else be damned nine ways till sunday.
I know a wonderfully talented artist who has a degree which he will never use. He is an established artist from this island and he made it big.
I know an inspiring girl who had to take her exams 3 cocking times before she got the mark she deserved in the first place. Another talented artist and, I'm can swear on this, in the future will make an A class architect.
I know an aviation engineer who had to work like a dog since the age of 15 in order to make money for his pilot's licence. Another A class aviator and engineer.
And then there's me. A reclusive wanker who juggles a second novel, comic with the aforementioned artist (the first) and the last year for my degree. Oh and a dissertation. So what if this course has lost all interest for me? So what if it's just getting in my way? I've invested, and now I'm getting every last morsel I can out of it.
Who knows, maybe I'll find a source of inspiration there. At the very least it's a break from writing.
There is always a silver lining.